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troubled waters

Just over a year ago, before fully pledging my life's duty and studies to innerdance, I took a therapeutic dose of psilocybin which expanded my consciousness for about six hours. My journey opened up a water world rich with symbolism, conversations with floors & walls, childhood memories and messages from the great mother. At one point, my lips became like fire, blistering with inflammation. I touched them to check if this was my hallucination or real and through my curious fingertips, I could trace the edges of their swollen state. A memory emerges from the darkness of me as a 2 year old living in Greece, we are at my Dad's art workshop and when nobody is looking, I drink turpentine which was stored in an old lemonade bottle. With each tender touch of my lips, the rich details of this memory return including the panic of others and the subsequent hospital trip and stomach pump. As I peacefully visit my young self who also appears to be quite calm, another presence announces herself, she whispers to me that I am a water witch and I have been poisoning my waters my whole life. As I smile in both deep time and our current shared timespace, my lips return to their natural plumpness and I am filled with knowing. I have poisoned my waters my whole life, successfully clogging up my clairvoyance and clairaudience so they become foggy and muffled, bearable.


From that moment forth, my relationship with alcohol is severed and no drop of alcohol has passed my lips since. For those who know me in this way, they know that alcohol was my medicine to quieten the images, the voices, the heightened perception; I drank a lot and often. Now I can barely recollect my drinking memories which are many, and the idea of purposefully inducing a hangover and clouding my intense awareness feels alien and unwanted. Not only does it feel like another lifetime, it feels like a distant dimension. The impact of this radical shift in self-healing is profound and I am learning how to be in the world with such clarity. My brain moves even faster, the messages I hear and see are continuous and insistent, I am more at ease with my innate potency and I can stand by my guns without firing them.


Each morning, innerdance wakes me up early, nudging my right side like an excited child, whispering to me to create and I lovingly indulge her in this way by opening up my Mac and working on new soundscapes. I cherish and encourage my inner dj to explore and grow and I am never bored of this vital element of the work, until this morning...


I am in a vivid dream state, uninvited at a wedding of strangers. I am making efforts to leave early but some male guests are insistent I wait to meet a friend of theirs who I sense is overtly masculine in his energy and attitude. I am putting on a pair of expensive heels and to my surprise, I lose my balance. I look down at my hand and I am holding a heavy crystal glass with whisky in it. To my horror, I realise I have been drinking throughout the dream and I am now drunk. I wake up with a swollen belly, I feel sluggish and my heart feels heavy. I open up my laptop and begin soundscaping but I am not in alignment with my source of divine inspiration. I turn towards a piece I am writing and again, I feel less than present. I sit for a moment, curious to how I am feeling and I realise I need to bring myself back home through practices which uncloud my vision. My immediate assumption is that I need to move or read yet the body knows far more than my meagre misinterpretations. A voice whispers in my ear, you must write about your troubled waters and so here we are.


Yesterday I visited another city to attend a poetry festival and so I decided on behalf of my soul that I would not write a diary entry this week. Yet as soon as I typed the title, my eclipsed perception and presence begin to brighten and I felt myself return to wholeness. By cleaning up and clearing my waters, I can soundscape with ease and hold deep space for the individual innerdance and online sessions later today. I shall take time to know this dream more and to understand how my drinking in the dimension of dreams can affect my waking state emotionally and somatically. Each union with innerdance blends my consciousness so that I am now continuously in a heightened dream state where the reality of different dimensions merge, informing and impacting each other. It is as if the me in the drinking dimension paid me a visit and I woke up with her hangover.


I shall take some time today and consciously meet with her, whispering to her that she is a water witch and she has been poisoning her waters her whole life, becoming a loving guide and presence similar to who visited me and tenderly roused me from a deep and self-induced dormancy and maybe she will be ready to hear these truths, remembering her gifts so she can purify the waters within and wake up afresh and ready for innerdance.


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below is some writing which arose from my authentic movement integration, created 2 days after my psybicilin experience:


I am blistered lips

scorched by years of

poisoned water.

I am the lost and lonely thing

refused to be soothed for

fear of oblivion.

rest is death

the place beyond return

the unreachable, out of touch.

softness implies putting weapons down

sobbing with exhaustion

an unconditional place of

non-resistance.

those earthly mothers

didn't know best, I knew better

and yet still I keep myself

from what I want most in this

lifetime

unity, unconditional blending

coupling,

blurring,

absorption.




These are notes taken during my mushroom trip.

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