My facilitator is touching my body, whispering words that feel as if they are coming from inside me. I smile, she is a mirror to older, ancient times. I feel her protection of my ears to the noise & cries within the space. As we are invited back into the here and now, a signal that the innerdance is ending, I have a fleeting thought - 'why are you so loud, don't you know it causes me pain?'. As this moves through, I feel a subtle softening as emotion waves within the right side of my heart. Tears might come. I realise I have no voice, I cannot open my eyes. There is absolutely no movement or will available in my body. Again, I hear instructions to return but I cannot. I am between worlds. I hope she notices, that she realises I am rooted in a liminal, chthonic space. After a minute or so, she touches my arms and squeezes them. I am deathly cold to the touch. the teacher comes over & I am able to open my eyes. I stay with the movement available to me, blinking & letting my eyes wander within their limited range, I also follow the ebb and flow of my breath and this brings my mouth and voice back to me.
I begin to talk, sharing with them what is happening. As they talk to me, I see a green light within and above me, it is ethereal with red edges and the light morphs into the Pyramids. The light wants me to follow deeper. I am so compelled to close my eyes and my eyes don't want to re-open. The teacher asks me to open them & I feel torn in two. I know I need to return but my desire is to stay in the dark, it is delicious. With pure will, I open them and then I feel fixated on the light shining through the window. It is talking to me, it wants me to go with it. I begin to feel my soul detaching from my body and there is a sense of levitation. Again, I make the choice reluctantly to stay in the body, but I would rather follow the light.
The facilitators keep me anchored in the relational field, talking, touching & working with clearing statements from Access Bars. Movement begins to return to my limbs and I feel anguish wash through me. I don't want to be here, I want to go home, into the light. Blood is circulating through me but my hands remain ice cold. The others help me sit up and leave me for a minute or so. I am a baby slumped, a dead baby. I feel black. I don't want to be alive & I don't think I am meant to be in this physical manifestation, this is not the correct dimension for me. I am struck by the polarity of this death and rebirth in Finland with Pi which was joy-full and I make a mental note to stay curious to this new experience of death and what it is teaching me.
My dear friends who were a huge part of my integration in Finland come over to help me walk. I laugh with glee because this is exactly how they helped me in Finland. We all laugh at this repetition, this echo in time. I begin to feel more like a toddler but not on this world or from this world. I have a sense this shall take time to process.
A few days later, I travel to Turkey to join Pi and the other amazing facilitators for deep study & research. On the first morning innerdance, a hand comes to my head and my feet engage, pushing me out of electric clouds and through the womb, I am being rebirthed, coming back to life. As I am being born, a life review flashes through me and I realise that life and death are indistinguishable.
I remember the message consciousness gave to me during my profound rebirth in Finland. I was told that my 'duty was to help others to die well' and that I am a 'death doula'. My innerdances are supporting me to die and rebirth infinitely. Each descent and return teaches me to navigate these realms without fear, that innerdance is a treatment for fear and fear is an ally in the process. When it flows, when I flow with the energy of fear, I discover & integrate insight and wisdom beyond time. And the more I die, the more death is available to those who innerdance with me. There is a high percentage of people who attend my innerdances who experience death in its many forms. They are experiencing for themselves the freedom to die without fear and to say yes to life on their return. I am gaining a reputation within the innerdance family for supporting death & Pi himself tells others that people go to die with me.
My research into death is ongoing and the more I die, the more at ease I am in my waking life. Through my surrender, I am finding true freedom. My autonomic nervous system is repatterining and this time, there is no blue print to be scared of fear, instead, I am
developing an internal map of the realms where true healing lies. Death is not the end, it is a dimension, and the more we can experience how to travel within it, the easier it is to be fully alive.